Why do I love him so much? First love? Or something else? All I know is I could never hate him. Regardless of what he’s putting me through on some deep level I know he’s hurting too. There’s no way he couldn’t be. I couldn’t have made all this all up, everyone who was ever around us saw it. We weren’t like most couples, really any I’ve ever met. I’m not trying to be cocky because obviously it ended for a reason. But I don’t think that reason was “us.” I think that reason was him and all the things he’s tried to hide from his whole life. It makes me so sad thinking about how he grew up and how it still affects him. He turns to drugs to make him feel better when really he needs to stop hiding from it with different girls and different things to make him numb. It makes me so sad. I just really, truly loved him as a person. I believed in his art, I believed in him. All the bad things about him didn’t make me run. I’ve never felt that way before. I usually find one bad thing about a guy and am completely turned off. I’m fickle. But I accepted and understood him for who he was. I honest to god loved him with all my heart.
I wish we could have an honest talk like we used to. But I don’t know I guess that would just make things that much harder. He’s probably doing me a favor by keeping his distance. It’s hard thinking we’re right down the street from each other yet so far away.
